I find it difficult now to recall and understand the dreams which then filled my imagination.
Even when I can recall them, I find it hard to believe that my dreams were just like that: they
were so strange and so remote from life. Sergey Mikhaylych kept his promise: he returned from
his travels at the end of May. His first visit to us was in the evening and was quite unexpected.
We were sitting in the veranda, preparing for tea. By this time the garden was all green, and the
nightingales had taken up their quarters for the whole of St. Peter's Fast in the leafy borders. The
tops of the round lilac bushes had a sprinkling of white and purple -- a sign that their flowers
were ready to open. The foliage of the birch avenue was all transparent in the light of the setting
sun. In the veranda there was shade and freshness. The evening dew was sure to be heavy in the
grass. Out of doors beyond the garden the last sounds of day were audible, and the noise of the
sheep and cattle, as they were driven home. Nikon, the half-witted boy, was driving his
water-cart along the path outside the veranda, and a cold stream of water from the sprinkler
made dark circles on the mould round the stems and supports of the dahlias. In our veranda the
polished samovar shone and hissed on the white table-cloth; there were cracknels and biscuits
and cream on the table. Katya was busy washing the cups with her plump hands. I was too
hungry after bathing to wait for tea, and was eating bread with thick fresh cream. I was wearing
a gingham blouse with loose sleeves, and my hair, still wet, was covered with a kerchief. Katya
saw him first, even before he came in.
"You, Sergey Mikhaylych!" she cried. "Why, we were just talking about you."
I got up, meaning to go and change my dress, but he caught me just by the door.
"Why stand on such ceremony in the country?" he said, looking with a smile at the kerchief
on my head. "You don't mind the presence of your butler, and I am really the same to you as
Grigori is." But I felt just then that he was looking at me in a way quite unlike Grigori's way,
and I was uncomfortable.
"I shall come back at once," I said, as I left them.
"But what is wrong?" he called out after me; "it's just the dress of a young peasant woman."
"How strangely he looked at me!" I said to myself as I was quickly changing upstairs. "Well,
I'm glad he has come; things will be more lively." After a look in the glass I ran gaily downstairs
and into the veranda; I was out of breath and did not disguise my haste. He was sitting at the
table, talking to Katya about our affairs. He glanced at me and smiled; then he went on talking.
From what he said it appeared that our affairs were in capital shape: it was now possible for us,
after spending the summer in the country, to go either to Petersburg for Sonya's education, or
abroad.
"If only you would go abroad with us --" said Katya; "without you we shall be quite lost
there."
"Oh, I should like to go round the world with you," he said, half in jest and half in earnest.
"All right," I said; let us start off and go round the world."
He smiled and shook his head.
"What about my mother? What about my business, he said. "But that's not the question just
now: I want to know how you have been spending your time. Not depressed again, I hope?
When I told him that I had been busy and not bored during his absence, and when Katya
confirmed my report, he praised me as if he had a right to do so, and his words and looks were
kind, as they might have been to a child. I felt obliged to tell him, in detail and with perfect
frankness, all my good actions, and to confess, as if I were in church, all that he might
disapprove of. The evening was so fine that we stayed in the veranda after tea was cleared away;
and the conversation interested me so much that I did not notice how we ceased by degrees to
hear any sound of the servants indoors. The scent of flowers grew stronger and came from all
sides; the grass was drenched with dew; a nightingale struck up in a lilac bush close by and then
stopped on hearing our voices; the starry sky seemed to come down lower over our heads.
It was growing dusk, but I did not notice it till a bat suddenly and silently flew in beneath the
veranda awning and began to flutter round my white shawl. I shrank back against the wall and
nearly cried out; but the bat as silently and swiftly dived out from under the awning and
disappeared in the half-darkness of the garden.
"How fond I am of this place of yours!" he said, changing the conversation; "I wish I could
spend all my life here, sitting in this veranda."
"Well, do then!" said Katya.
"That's all very well," he said, "but life won't sit still."
"Why don't you marry?" asked Katya; you would make an excellent husband.
"Because I like sitting still?" and he laughed. "No, Katerina Karlovna, too late for you and
me to marry. People have long ceased to think of me as a marrying man, and I am even surer of
it myself; and I declare I have felt quite comfortable since the matter was settled."
It seemed to me that he said this in an unnaturally persuasive way.
"Nonsense!" said Katya; "a man of thirty-six makes out that he is too old!"
"Too old indeed," he went on, "when all one wants is to sit still. For a man who is going to
marry that's not enough. Just you ask her," he added, nodding at me; "people of her age should
marry, and you and I can rejoice in their happiness."
The sadness and constraint latent in his voice was not lost upon me. He was silent for a little,
and neither Katya nor I spoke.
"Well, just fancy," he went on, turning a little on his seat; "suppose that by some mischance I
married a girl of seventeen, Masha, if you like -- I mean, Marya Aleksandrovna. The instance is
good; I am glad it turned up; there could not be a better instance."
I laughed; but I could not understand why he was glad, or what it was that had turned up.
"Just tell me honestly, with your hand on your heart," he said, turning as if playfully to me,
"would it not be a misfortune for you to unite your life with that of an old worn-out man who
only wants to sit still, whereas Heaven knows what wishes are fermenting in that heart of yours?"
I felt uncomfortable and was silent, not knowing how to answer him.
"I am not making you a proposal, you know," he said, laughing; "but am I really the kind of
husband you dream of when walking alone in the avenue at twilight? It would be a misfortune,
would it not?"
"No, not a misfortune," I began.
"But a bad thing," he ended my sentence.
"Perhaps; but I may be mistaken..." He interrupted me again.
"There, you see! She is quite right, and I am grateful to her for her frankness, and very glad
to have had this conversation. And there is something else to be said" -- he added: "for me too it
would be a very great misfortune."
"How odd you are! You have not changed in the least," said Katya, and then left the veranda,
to order supper to be served.
When she had gone, we were both silent and all was still around us, but for one exception. A
nightingale, which had sung last night by fitful snatches, now flooded the garden with a steady
stream of song, and was soon answered by another from the dell below, which had not sung till
that evening. The nearer bird stopped and seemed to listen for a moment, and then broke out
again still louder than before, pouring out his song in piercing long drawn cadences. There was
a regal calm in the birds' voices, as they floated through the realm of night which belongs to
those birds and not to man. The gardener walked past to his sleeping-quarters in the greenhouse,
and the noise of his heavy boots grew fainter and fainter along the path. Someone whistled
twice sharply at the foot of the hill; and then all was still again. The rustling of leaves could just
be heard; the veranda awning flapped; a faint perfume, floating in the air, came down on the
veranda and filled it. I felt silence awkward after what had been said, but what to say I did not
know. I looked at him. His eyes, bright in the half-darkness, turned towards me.
"How good life is!" he said.
I sighed, I don't know why.
"Well?" he asked.
"Life is good," I repeated after him.
Again we were silent, and again I felt uncomfortable. I could not help fancying that I had
wounded him by agreeing that he was old; and I wished to comfort him but did not know how.
"Well, I must be saying good-bye," he said, rising; "my mother expects me for supper; I have
hardly seen her all day."
"I meant to play you the new sonata," I said.
"That must wait," he replied; and I thought that he spoke coldly.
"Good-bye."
I felt still more certain that I had wounded him, and I was sorry. Katya and I went to the steps
to see him off and stood for a while in the open, looking along the road where he had
disappeared from view. When we ceased to hear the sound of his horse's hoofs, I walked round
the house to the veranda, and again sat looking into the garden; and all I wished to see and hear,
I still saw and heard for a long time in the dewy mist filled with the sounds of night.
He came a second time, and a third; and the awkwardness arising from that strange
conversation passed away entirely, never to return. During that whole summer he came two or
three times a week; and I grew so accustomed to his presence, that, when he failed to come for
some time, Ii missed him and felt angry with him, and thought he was behaving badly in
deserting me. He treated me like a boy whose company he liked, asked me questions, invited the
most cordial frankness on my part, gave me advice and encouragement, or sometimes scolded
and checked me. But in spite of his constant effort to keep on my level, I was aware that behind
the part of him which I could understand there remained an entire region of mystery, into which
he did not consider it necessary to admit me; and this fact did much to preserve my respect for
him and his attraction for me. I knew from Katya and from our neighbors that he had not only to
care for his old mother with whom he lived, and to manage his own estate and our affairs, but
was also responsible for some public business which was the source of serious worries; but what
view he took of all this, what were his convictions, plans, and hopes, I could not in the least find
out from him. Whenever I turned the conversation to his affairs, he frowned in a way peculiar to
himself and seemed to imply, "Please stop! That is no business of yours;" and then he changed
the subject. This hurt me at first; but I soon grew accustomed to confining our talk to my affairs,
and felt this to be quite natural.
There was another thing which displeased me at first and then became pleasant to me. This
was his complete indifference and even contempt for my personal appearance. Never by word
or look did he imply that I was pretty; on the contrary, he frowned and laughed, whenever the
word was applied to me in his presence. He even liked to find fault with my looks and tease me
about them. On special days Katya liked to dress me out in fine clothes and to arrange my hair
effectively; but my finery met only with mockery from him, which pained kind-hearted Katya
and at first disconcerted me. She had made up her mind that he admired me; and she could not
understand how a man could help wishing a woman whom he admired to appear to the utmost
advantage. But I soon understood what he wanted. He wished to make sure that I had not a
trace of affectation. And when I understood this I was really quite free from affectation in the
clothes I wore, or the arrangement of my hair, or my movements; but a very obvious form of
affectation took its place -- an affectation of simplicity, at a time when I could not yet be really
simple. That he loved me, I knew; but I did not yet ask myself whether he loved me as a child or
as a woman. I valued his love; I felt that he thought me better than all other young women in the
world, and I could not help wishing him to go on being deceived about me. Without wishing to
deceive him, I did deceive him, and I became better myself while deceiving him. I felt it a better
and worthier course to show him to good points of my heart and mind than of my body. My hair,
hands, face, ways -- all these, whether good or bad, he had appraised at once and knew so well,
that I could add nothing to my external appearance except the wish to deceive him. But my
mind and heart he did not know, because he loved them, and because they were in the very
process of growth and development; and on this point I could and did deceive him. And how
easy I felt in his company, once I understood this clearly! My causeless bashfulness and
awkward movements completely disappeared. Whether he saw me from in front, or in profile,
sitting or standing, with my hair up or my hair down, I felt that he knew me from head to foot,
and I fancied, was satisfied with me as I was. If, contrary to his habit, he had suddenly said to
me as other people did, that I had a pretty face, I believe that I should not have liked it at all.
But, on the other hand, how light and happy my heart was when, after I had said something, he
looked hard at me and said, hiding emotion under a mask of raillery:
"Yes, there is something in you! you are a fine girl -- that I must tell you."
And for what did I receive such rewards, which filled my heart with pride and joy? Merely
for saying that I felt for old Grigori in his love for his little granddaughter; or because the
reading of some poem or novel moved me to tears; or because I liked Mozart better than
Schulhof. And I was surprised at my own quickness in guessing what was good and worthy of
love, when I certainly did not know then what was good and worthy to be loved. Most of my
former tastes and habits did not please him; and a mere look of his, or a twitch of his eyebrow
was enough to show that he did not like what I was trying to say; and I felt at once that my own
standard was changed. Sometimes, when he was about to give me a piece of advice, I seemed to
know before hand what he would say. When he looked in my face and asked me a question, his
very look would draw out of me the answer he wanted. All my thoughts and feelings of that
time were not really mine: they were his thoughts and feelings, which had suddenly become
mine and passed into my life and lighted it up. Quite unconsciously I began to look at
everything with different eyes -- at Katya and the servants and Sonya and myself and my
occupations. Books, which I used to read merely to escape boredom, now became one of the
chief pleasures of my life, merely because he brought me the books and we read and discussed
them together. The lessons I gave to Sonya had been a burdensome obligation which I forced
myself to go through from a sense of duty; but, after he was present at a lesson, it became a joy
to me to watch Sonya's progress. It used to seem to me an impossibility to learn a whole piece of
music by heart; but now, when I knew that he would hear it and might praise it, I would play a
single movement forty times over without stopping, till poor Katya stuffed her ears with
cottonwool, while I was still not weary of it. The same old sonatas seemed quite different in the
expression, and came out quite changed and much improved. Even Katya, whom I knew and
loved like a second self, became different in my eyes. I now understood for the first time that
she was not in the least bound to be the mother, friend, and slave that she was to us. Now I
appreciated all the self-sacrifice and devotion of this affectionate creature, and all my
obligations to her; and I began to love her even better. It was he too who taught me to take
quite a new view of our serfs and servants and maids. It is an absurd confession to make -- but I
had spent seventeen years among these people and yet knew less about than about strangers
whom I had never seen; it had never once occurred to me that they had their affections and
wishes and sorrows, just as I had. Our garden and woods and fields which I had known so long,
became suddenly new and beautiful to me. He was right in saying that the only certain
happiness in life is to live for others. At the time his words seemed to me strange, and I did not
understand them; but by degrees this became a conviction with me, without thinking about it.
He revealed to me a whole new world of joys in the present, without changing anything in my
life, without adding anything except himself to each impression in my mind. All that had
surrounded me from childhood without saying anything to me, suddenly came to life. The mere
sight of him made everything begin to speak and press for admittance to my heart, filling it with
happiness.
Often during that summer, when I went upstairs to my room and lay down on my bed, the old unhappiness of spring with its desires and hopes for the future gave place to a passionate happiness in the present. Unable to sleep, I often got up and sat on Katya's bed and told her how perfectly happy I was, though I now realize that this was quite unnecessary, as she could see it for herself.
But when told me that she was quite content and perfectly happy, and kissed me. I believed her
-- it seemed to me so necessary and just that everyone should be happy. But Katya could think
of sleep too; and sometimes, pretending to be angry, she drove me from her bed and went to
sleep, while I turned over and over in my mind all that made me so happy. Sometimes I got up
and said my prayers over again, praying in my own words and thanking God for all the happiness
he had given me.
All was quiet in the room; there was only the even breathing of Katya in her sleep, and the ticking of the clock by her bed, while I turned from side to side and whispered words of prayer, or crossed myself and kissed the cross round my neck. The door was shut and the windows shuttered; perhaps a fly or gnat hung buzzing in the air. I felt a wish never to leave that room -- a wish that
dawn might never come, that my present frame of mind might never change. I felt that my
dreams and thoughts and prayers were live things, living there in the dark with me, hovering
about my bed, and standing over me. And every thought was his thought, and every feeling his
feeling. I did not know yet that this was love; I though that things might go on so for ever, and
that this feeling involved no consequences.
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