The Christian married man bound by homosexuality bears a double burden. He

lives under the power of a sin which brings self-condemnation and a feeling

of alienation from God. He also lives with the knowledge that he is

bringing a terrible hurt to another human being -- his wife. But for this

man, victory over homosexuality can bring a double blessing. He can be

restored to full fellowship with God, and he can experience the joy of

reconciliation with his wife. The advice given here is offered by a man

who has experienced victory over homosexuality, and with it has known the

joy of reconciliation with God and with a wife whom he loves deeply. May

God so bless each man who reads these words and needs to experience such a


Recognize that which you can control and that which you cannot.

You may know by now that you cannot control your sexual inclinations, or

even your sexual actions once you have given in the least bit to

temptation. Often you cannot even control the thoughts that come into your

mind. Accept this as a fact of your life today. But then turn to the

things that you can control. You can control your spiritual life (how and

when you pray and read the Word of God). You can control how you behave

with your wife in many areas not related to your sexual relationship.

Start by concentrating on these parts of your life and you will begin to

see your sense of helplessness start to fade.

Realize that love is a decision and a commitment, NOT a feeling.

Feelings come and go for all of us. A love based purely on feelings is a

terribly unstable and unsatisfying thing. There will be little peace or

joy in a relationship where love is given and received only when both

partners feel loving. But there is peace and joy in a relationship where

each partner has made the decision to always (unconditionally) put the

other first. This is Christian love. Through its expression over time

will grow a joy deep in the heart, far deeper than the emotional happiness

that we have been seeking in our relationships. The commitment to put the

other first (to truly love) applies first to your relationship with God and

secondly, to your relationship with your wife.

Pray that God will enable you to make this decision to love.

Jesus is the source of love. Jesus is the example of perfect love, when He

went to the cross for you and me. Jesus is Love. Many of us who have

struggled with homosexuality have come to see that there have been hurts or

rejections in our lives which have almost destroyed our ability to love

others (and ourselves). Jesus is the great healer of those who have been

so damaged. The one prayer that He always seems to answer NOW is the

prayer that we be given the ability to love another person.

Turn your heart and mind to the hurts and needs of your wife.

This will come out of your decision to love. She may need your help in a

couple of areas. First, she has been terribly hurt by the rejection

brought about by your homosexuality. She lives in constant fear of losing

her home (her husband, her support, her place in the world as a married

woman) or, if you have already separated, she has endured the constant

discouragement of hoping you will return and finding that you won't. She

is incomplete because, regardless of her feelings now, she has been made

one with a man, but now that oneness is being torn apart.

There may be a second but related area where she needs your help. Often,

women who marry homosexuals do so because of a lack in themselves. The

fact that a man was not sexually aggressive, or perhaps the man's having a

generally passive nature, may have given her a feeling of safety and

comfort with him -- a feeling she lacked with other men because of her own

shortcomings and fears. Ask God to reveal your wife's needs to you. It

may be that your both recognizing these shortcomings will enable you to

break away from a mutually destructive pattern that has come about, perhaps

one in which she is the mother and you are always the bad child. As you

recognize that you both are hurt, sinful people needing the Lord's mercy,

forgiveness and healing, you may experience a blessing and growth together

that neither of you thought possible.

Your prayers and your entire focus should be on changing you -- NOT your


"Lord if only she would ..., then I would ...". Prayer doesn't work that

way. God knows what the desires of your heart are before you ask Him. He

could grant your wishes before they are ever expressed, but He wants to do

more. He wants a relationship with you, and He knows that because of your

fallen state (yours and everyone else's), that relationship is most apt to

come about as you recognize your need for Him. The recognition of this

need will be the opening for Him to come into our lives in a deeper way.

If He did our bidding and changed someone else when we asked Him to, that

would be the end of it. No, that is why His answer to these prayers is

often, "No, YOU must change" ( or repent or surrender or whatever). If our

need is great enough, the door may have been opened for us to accept His

direction. A great step will have been taken. He wants to work out our

problems with us and to see us grow in obedience in the process. Also, He

wants the same growth for your wife and the same fellowship with her.

Changing her at your request would deny her that. Remember, our

relationship with God comes first. That must be worked out to His

satisfaction before our relationships with each other can be put right.

Acknowledge that your marriage is a sacred and permanent commitment.

When you married, you took a solemn vow before God that this was to be a

life-long commitment -- for better or for worse, There were no escape

clauses or conditions of release in that vow. For you to be unfaithful to

that vow through homosexual weakness is serious and calls for repentance.

For you to break off the relationship completely through separation and

divorce is far more serious. It is a willful breaking of that vow -- a

defiance of God. Admittedly, this is a difficult area for Christians to

come to terms with, but it may help to put it on a personal level. For

YOU, wouldn't separation be a continued, unrepentant defiance of God? What

can come of your life from this?

Recognize that God created marriage and that God redeems His creation.

When you were married, you and your wife were made one in the eyes of God.

A mystical union was created by Him. He can no longer see you and your

wife as two completely separate individuals. Apart, physically or

spiritually, you are a broken part of His creation. But He is the Redeemer

of His creation. Your marriage is a part of his creation and it is in need

of redemption. He will redeem it. The only condition is that you allow

Him to do so. You, not your wife, for He has placed you in a position of

spiritual headship over your wife and family. As the priest of your

family, it is only you who can approach His throne of grace on this matter.

If you do, He is faithful and will restore your marriage. He loves that

which He has created.

Thank God that you are married.

Your homosexual orientation predates your marriage. Even though you have

had this problem, you have experienced many of the joys and blessings of

married life: establishing a home together, heterosexual sex, perhaps

children. Ask God to bring back to your mind and heart the joys, the good

experiences from earlier in your marriage. You have the knowledge and

experience that many homosexuals don't have, that much in marriage can be

happy and rewarding.

Honestly examine the alternatives that are open to you.

The first alternative is one that all married homosexuals have experienced

-- walking the fence: Continue in the comforts and acceptance of family

and seek sexual gratification outside. The best of both worlds? You know

it is not. It's a life of desperation, unfulfilled relationships at home

and futile ones outside. The feeling is one of being torn apart, and it

cannot and does not last indefinitely.

The second alternative is to come down off the fence on the side of

homosexuality. Find Mr. Perfect and settle down to an idyllic existence.

Only first, look around at those who have chosen this life. How many have

found the relationship that you dream about, and how many are out in the

bars and parks, the bath houses and restrooms night after night? If you

are in a relationship with another man right now, ask God to give you a

view of that relationship in the future. Also ask Him to give you a view

of your relationship with Him so long as your relationship with your lover


Finally, there is the third alternative of giving yourself to your

marriage, to your wife, to God. This will involve giving up your

homosexual activities if you have been active, giving up your fantasies and

dreams, giving up your refuge in pornography if that was your thing, giving

up yourself, dying, being crucified. And all you will get in return is a

new life. You will become a new creature, able to enjoy the fruits of the

Spirit -- love, joy peace and all of the others. You will gain a wife whom

you will truly love in every way -- perhaps for the first time. This

choice may seem horrendous, terrifying, but go back and consider the other

two alternatives, and ask yourself which you really prefer. There are no

other choices.

Recognize that Jesus can change you.

Perhaps you have struggled with the problem long enough to acknowledge that

you are helpless in dealing with it. Good! That is where you should be,

because usually it is only when we recognize the hopelessness of our

situation that we are ready to turn over the burdens of our homosexuality

and of our marriage to the Lord, and to let His way work in our lives. You

DO have a role to play, though -- a vital role. You must make the decision

to love -- to love your wife. Come to Jesus with this decision as your

offering to Him. He will accept it and the process will start, the truly

miraculous process of change that will bring you a new heart and a new

mind, a miraculous process that will make you a new creature.


About the author:

In November of 1974, Alan Medinger was a man in torment. To his friends

and neighbours, he was a stable, respectable man. He had a wonderful wife,

two lovely daughters, a large home in the suburbs and a responsible

position in the local church. Unknown to them was his other life: his

exclusive homosexuality, his frequent trips into the parks, porno shops and

gay bars of Baltimore to feed his homosexual fantasies and desires.

Then God miraculously intervened in his life, to heal his homosexual

obsessions and to restore his love and desire for his wife and family. His

complete testimony is available from our office. Alan understands from

personal experience the problems and frustrations of the married man

plagued by homosexual desires. He welcomes your letters, and can be

reached at:



P O Box 10574

Baltimore MD 21204 U.S.A.


For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual

brokenness, please contact:



G.P.O. Box 1115


Phone (08) 371-0446


This article is reprinted

by permission from


P O Box 10574

Baltimore MD 21204 U.S.A.


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