ADVICE TO THE MARRIED MAN STRUGGLING WITH HOMOSEXUALITY
The Christian married man bound by homosexuality bears a double burden. He
lives under the power of a sin which brings self-condemnation and a feeling
of alienation from God. He also lives with the knowledge that he is
bringing a terrible hurt to another human being -- his wife. But for this
man, victory over homosexuality can bring a double blessing. He can be
restored to full fellowship with God, and he can experience the joy of
reconciliation with his wife. The advice given here is offered by a man
who has experienced victory over homosexuality, and with it has known the
joy of reconciliation with God and with a wife whom he loves deeply. May
God so bless each man who reads these words and needs to experience such a
Recognize that which you can control and that which you cannot.
You may know by now that you cannot control your sexual inclinations, or
even your sexual actions once you have given in the least bit to
temptation. Often you cannot even control the thoughts that come into your
mind. Accept this as a fact of your life today. But then turn to the
things that you can control. You can control your spiritual life (how and
when you pray and read the Word of God). You can control how you behave
with your wife in many areas not related to your sexual relationship.
Start by concentrating on these parts of your life and you will begin to
see your sense of helplessness start to fade.
Realize that love is a decision and a commitment, NOT a feeling.
Feelings come and go for all of us. A love based purely on feelings is a
terribly unstable and unsatisfying thing. There will be little peace or
joy in a relationship where love is given and received only when both
partners feel loving. But there is peace and joy in a relationship where
each partner has made the decision to always (unconditionally) put the
other first. This is Christian love. Through its expression over time
will grow a joy deep in the heart, far deeper than the emotional happiness
that we have been seeking in our relationships. The commitment to put the
other first (to truly love) applies first to your relationship with God and
secondly, to your relationship with your wife.
Pray that God will enable you to make this decision to love.
Jesus is the source of love. Jesus is the example of perfect love, when He
went to the cross for you and me. Jesus is Love. Many of us who have
struggled with homosexuality have come to see that there have been hurts or
rejections in our lives which have almost destroyed our ability to love
others (and ourselves). Jesus is the great healer of those who have been
so damaged. The one prayer that He always seems to answer NOW is the
prayer that we be given the ability to love another person.
Turn your heart and mind to the hurts and needs of your wife.
This will come out of your decision to love. She may need your help in a
couple of areas. First, she has been terribly hurt by the rejection
brought about by your homosexuality. She lives in constant fear of losing
her home (her husband, her support, her place in the world as a married
woman) or, if you have already separated, she has endured the constant
discouragement of hoping you will return and finding that you won't. She
is incomplete because, regardless of her feelings now, she has been made
one with a man, but now that oneness is being torn apart.
There may be a second but related area where she needs your help. Often,
women who marry homosexuals do so because of a lack in themselves. The
fact that a man was not sexually aggressive, or perhaps the man's having a
generally passive nature, may have given her a feeling of safety and
comfort with him -- a feeling she lacked with other men because of her own
shortcomings and fears. Ask God to reveal your wife's needs to you. It
may be that your both recognizing these shortcomings will enable you to
break away from a mutually destructive pattern that has come about, perhaps
one in which she is the mother and you are always the bad child. As you
recognize that you both are hurt, sinful people needing the Lord's mercy,
forgiveness and healing, you may experience a blessing and growth together
that neither of you thought possible.
Your prayers and your entire focus should be on changing you -- NOT your
"Lord if only she would ..., then I would ...". Prayer doesn't work that
way. God knows what the desires of your heart are before you ask Him. He
could grant your wishes before they are ever expressed, but He wants to do
more. He wants a relationship with you, and He knows that because of your
fallen state (yours and everyone else's), that relationship is most apt to
come about as you recognize your need for Him. The recognition of this
need will be the opening for Him to come into our lives in a deeper way.
If He did our bidding and changed someone else when we asked Him to, that
would be the end of it. No, that is why His answer to these prayers is
often, "No, YOU must change" ( or repent or surrender or whatever). If our
need is great enough, the door may have been opened for us to accept His
direction. A great step will have been taken. He wants to work out our
problems with us and to see us grow in obedience in the process. Also, He
wants the same growth for your wife and the same fellowship with her.
Changing her at your request would deny her that. Remember, our
relationship with God comes first. That must be worked out to His
satisfaction before our relationships with each other can be put right.
Acknowledge that your marriage is a sacred and permanent commitment.
When you married, you took a solemn vow before God that this was to be a
life-long commitment -- for better or for worse, There were no escape
clauses or conditions of release in that vow. For you to be unfaithful to
that vow through homosexual weakness is serious and calls for repentance.
For you to break off the relationship completely through separation and
divorce is far more serious. It is a willful breaking of that vow -- a
defiance of God. Admittedly, this is a difficult area for Christians to
come to terms with, but it may help to put it on a personal level. For
YOU, wouldn't separation be a continued, unrepentant defiance of God? What
can come of your life from this?
Recognize that God created marriage and that God redeems His creation.
When you were married, you and your wife were made one in the eyes of God.
A mystical union was created by Him. He can no longer see you and your
wife as two completely separate individuals. Apart, physically or
spiritually, you are a broken part of His creation. But He is the Redeemer
of His creation. Your marriage is a part of his creation and it is in need
of redemption. He will redeem it. The only condition is that you allow
Him to do so. You, not your wife, for He has placed you in a position of
spiritual headship over your wife and family. As the priest of your
family, it is only you who can approach His throne of grace on this matter.
If you do, He is faithful and will restore your marriage. He loves that
which He has created.
Thank God that you are married.
Your homosexual orientation predates your marriage. Even though you have
had this problem, you have experienced many of the joys and blessings of
married life: establishing a home together, heterosexual sex, perhaps
children. Ask God to bring back to your mind and heart the joys, the good
experiences from earlier in your marriage. You have the knowledge and
experience that many homosexuals don't have, that much in marriage can be
happy and rewarding.
Honestly examine the alternatives that are open to you.
The first alternative is one that all married homosexuals have experienced
-- walking the fence: Continue in the comforts and acceptance of family
and seek sexual gratification outside. The best of both worlds? You know
it is not. It's a life of desperation, unfulfilled relationships at home
and futile ones outside. The feeling is one of being torn apart, and it
cannot and does not last indefinitely.
The second alternative is to come down off the fence on the side of
homosexuality. Find Mr. Perfect and settle down to an idyllic existence.
Only first, look around at those who have chosen this life. How many have
found the relationship that you dream about, and how many are out in the
bars and parks, the bath houses and restrooms night after night? If you
are in a relationship with another man right now, ask God to give you a
view of that relationship in the future. Also ask Him to give you a view
of your relationship with Him so long as your relationship with your lover
Finally, there is the third alternative of giving yourself to your
marriage, to your wife, to God. This will involve giving up your
homosexual activities if you have been active, giving up your fantasies and
dreams, giving up your refuge in pornography if that was your thing, giving
up yourself, dying, being crucified. And all you will get in return is a
new life. You will become a new creature, able to enjoy the fruits of the
Spirit -- love, joy peace and all of the others. You will gain a wife whom
you will truly love in every way -- perhaps for the first time. This
choice may seem horrendous, terrifying, but go back and consider the other
two alternatives, and ask yourself which you really prefer. There are no
Recognize that Jesus can change you.
Perhaps you have struggled with the problem long enough to acknowledge that
you are helpless in dealing with it. Good! That is where you should be,
because usually it is only when we recognize the hopelessness of our
situation that we are ready to turn over the burdens of our homosexuality
and of our marriage to the Lord, and to let His way work in our lives. You
DO have a role to play, though -- a vital role. You must make the decision
to love -- to love your wife. Come to Jesus with this decision as your
offering to Him. He will accept it and the process will start, the truly
miraculous process of change that will bring you a new heart and a new
mind, a miraculous process that will make you a new creature.
About the author:
In November of 1974, Alan Medinger was a man in torment. To his friends
and neighbours, he was a stable, respectable man. He had a wonderful wife,
two lovely daughters, a large home in the suburbs and a responsible
position in the local church. Unknown to them was his other life: his
exclusive homosexuality, his frequent trips into the parks, porno shops and
gay bars of Baltimore to feed his homosexual fantasies and desires.
Then God miraculously intervened in his life, to heal his homosexual
obsessions and to restore his love and desire for his wife and family. His
complete testimony is available from our office. Alan understands from
personal experience the problems and frustrations of the married man
plagued by homosexual desires. He welcomes your letters, and can be
P O Box 10574
Baltimore MD 21204 U.S.A.
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual
brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371-0446
This article is reprinted
by permission from
P O Box 10574
Baltimore MD 21204 U.S.A.
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