In Search Of "Mr. Right"

What are gay men looking for in a man?

I have asked this question of many gay men in many situations, and the

answers have been surprisingly similar.

"What were you looking for when you first entered a homosexual relationship

with a man? Their answers?

% Strength, usually emotional

% Security

% Acceptance

% Understanding, sensitivity

% Comfort

% Friendship, companionship

% Identity, sense of completeness

Another surprising thing about their answers was the absence of a

particular word -- sex. It appears as if most men were attempting to meet

relational needs, and sex was incorporated only as a way of meeting other


A Matter Of Needs.

You can see from the list above that gay men enter relationships with other

men to try to meet certain basic needs. They could be boiled down to two

major human needs -- the need for a sense of identity (value, significance,

competence, self-worth) and the need for love (security, affection,

friendship, companionship).

It is interesting, too, that while all men have both needs, some men work

harder on meeting the need for a sense of unconditional love and security,

while others strive desperately to establish a sense of identity and self-


Still, it all boils down to need. These are not homosexual needs, per se,

but human needs. All humans have these needs, and all people work on

getting these needs met, one way or another. God created us with these

needs, so there is nothing wrong with having them, or in trying to fulfil

them. The questions is, "What will really fulfil these basic human needs?"

The Big Difference.

Although there has been a great dissemination of information on the topic

of homosexuality lately, it is surprising how few people recognize the

difference between homosexual orientation and homosexual behaviour. Even

some gay men squash the two together, thinking that there is no difference

between what they are and what they do.

This lack of understanding is reflected in the common thought that many gay

men have about God. The thinking goes something like this:

% God hates homosexuality.

% I am a homosexual.

% Therefore, God hates me.

Most men would understand that this is patently false, but this response is

usually more emotional than intellectual. Unfortunately, some Christians

have given gay men this idea through their rejection of homosexuals.

Fortunately, the love of God is not determined by the actions of people.

God loves homosexuals, regardless of what some Christians think or do.

There is a difference, though, between orientation and behaviour. A person

cannot control his orientation (and resultant desires), since he did not

choose to have the orientation. But the man can choose whether or not he

will engage in homosexual activities, since that activity is under the

direct control of his will.

God Knows What He's Doing.

God loves us. Most people won't argue with that. But when people hear how

God has commanded us to live, some people have their doubts about God's

goodness. Why has God forbidden us to engage in certain activities? Does

He arbitrarily declare some actions good and others evil? Why has God

forbidden participation in homosexual behaviour?

If you ask a psychologist or psychiatrist if stealing, lying, murder, and

adultery are beneficial activities for a human being, almost every one will

tell you that a person harms himself when he does these things. It is

simply not healthful for a person to do whatever he pleases.

Because God loves us, He has told us which behaviour will benefit us and

which will hurt us. God is not arbitrary in His commands. He only forbids

our doing what will damage us. If you look closely at the commandments of

God, you will see that God has only instructed us to do those things that

are for our well-being, and forbidden those activities that will destroy


So, if God has forbidden any kind of sexual activity, it is because He

loves us and knows that that behaviour will harm us. We may not understand

why it is harmful to us, but the infinite, personal, loving Governor of the

universe knows what He is doing, and if He says an activity is harmful, we

had best accept His assessment of the situation. God is not being a

killjoy. He has only commanded us not to do what will destroy us.

This is why God says "No".

Is God Playing Favourites.

Some gay men think that God is picking on them and being unfair when He

forbids homosexual activity. But God is not being partial in His treatment

of gays. What God has forbidden in the areas of fantasy, lust, or

fornication, He forbids for all people, heterosexually or homosexually


If a heterosexually-oriented man commits fornication with a woman, he

cannot use his orientation or desires as an excuse for his behaviour. He

cannot say, "Well, you see, I just had to jump into bed with her, because

I'm heterosexual." The same would apply to the homosexually-oriented man.

So, what God has forbidden for one, He has forbidden for all. He is not

playing favourites. He is not just picking on gays.

What About My Needs?

"If God loves me, but has forbidden involvement in homosexual activity,

just how am I supposed to get my needs met? Am I supposed to go without my

need for love met for the rest of my life just so I can know and obey God?

That doesn't sound like a very good trade off."

The answer to this question has two major parts:

1. The needs for love, identify, self-worth, security, etc. are basic

human needs, not just homosexual needs. All people have these needs, and

since God created us with these needs, He also provided a way to meet these

needs -- in a relationship with Him. We were never intended to get our

basic needs met in a relationship with a human being, whether man or woman.

God wants to meet these needs, and He is well able to do so. The reason

most people live with unmet needs is because they do not know God, and they

are not allowing Him to meet their needs. God is able to meet our needs,

but He will not force Himself on anyone.

2. Many gay men assume that they could never be happy in a heterosexual

relationship. This assumption presupposes either that there is no God, or

that God is not able to fulfil the needs of His creatures. Many

homosexually-oriented Christian men testify that it is possible to have a

fulfilling heterosexual marriage with God's help. This certainly does not

mean that their lives are problem free, but they are at least having their

basic needs met within the scope of God's commandments.

Some homosexually-oriented Christian men opt to remain single, but that is

a matter of individual choice. Either way, the point is that God can meet

a person's needs, and it is not necessary to engage in activity that God

has forbidden to try to get our needs met.

Getting Started

The first step in getting your basic needs met is to establish a

relationship with God.

We have all rebelled against God and deserve to be separated from Him. But

God, in His great love for us, became a man in Jesus Christ, died for us as

a sacrifice for our sins, rose from the dead, and provided a way to restore

the relationship with God we were originally intended to have. You can

have this gift of relationship with God (what the Bible calls "eternal

life"), if you meet these conditions:

1. Acknowledge that you have rebelled against God. ("All have sinned and

fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23).

2. Turn away from your lifestyle of selfishness. ("Repent for the

forgiveness of your sins." Acts 2:38).

3. Commit yourself to living the way God commands you to live -- loving

God, and loving others as yourself. ("Love the Lord your God, and love

your neighbour as yourself." Mark 12:30,31).

4. Ask God's forgiveness for your sins. ("If we confess our sins, He is

faithful and just to forgive us our sins." 1 John 1:9).

5. Take your hands off your own life and allow Jesus to be your master.

("If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your

heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans


What You've Been Looking For

After you've given your life to God, and become His child, He can meet your

basic needs for:

% Strength -- He will be your Rock and Strength in time of trouble (Psalm


% Security -- He loves you unconditionally, will never forsake you, and

will provide for you (John 3:16; Hebrews 13:5; Matthew 6:25-34).

% Acceptance -- You will be completely accepted by God (Romans 15:7).

% Comfort -- God is the "God of all comfort" to His children (II

Corinthians 1:3).

% Companionship -- Jesus calls His children His friends (John 15:13-15).

% Completeness -- You will be complete in Him (Colossians 2:10).

Jesus is your "Mr Right" and through Him you can find what you've been

looking for in life.


For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual

brokenness, please contact:


G.P.O. Box 1115


Phone (08) 371-0446

This article is reprinted by permission from:

Michael R. Saia

Pilgrim Tapes

P. O. Box 296

Sunland, California, 91040



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