In Search Of "Mr. Right"
What are gay men looking for in a man?
I have asked this question of many gay men in many situations, and the
answers have been surprisingly similar.
"What were you looking for when you first entered a homosexual relationship
with a man? Their answers?
% Strength, usually emotional
% Understanding, sensitivity
% Friendship, companionship
% Identity, sense of completeness
Another surprising thing about their answers was the absence of a
particular word -- sex. It appears as if most men were attempting to meet
relational needs, and sex was incorporated only as a way of meeting other
A Matter Of Needs.
You can see from the list above that gay men enter relationships with other
men to try to meet certain basic needs. They could be boiled down to two
major human needs -- the need for a sense of identity (value, significance,
competence, self-worth) and the need for love (security, affection,
It is interesting, too, that while all men have both needs, some men work
harder on meeting the need for a sense of unconditional love and security,
while others strive desperately to establish a sense of identity and self-
Still, it all boils down to need. These are not homosexual needs, per se,
but human needs. All humans have these needs, and all people work on
getting these needs met, one way or another. God created us with these
needs, so there is nothing wrong with having them, or in trying to fulfil
them. The questions is, "What will really fulfil these basic human needs?"
The Big Difference.
Although there has been a great dissemination of information on the topic
of homosexuality lately, it is surprising how few people recognize the
difference between homosexual orientation and homosexual behaviour. Even
some gay men squash the two together, thinking that there is no difference
between what they are and what they do.
This lack of understanding is reflected in the common thought that many gay
men have about God. The thinking goes something like this:
% God hates homosexuality.
% I am a homosexual.
% Therefore, God hates me.
Most men would understand that this is patently false, but this response is
usually more emotional than intellectual. Unfortunately, some Christians
have given gay men this idea through their rejection of homosexuals.
Fortunately, the love of God is not determined by the actions of people.
God loves homosexuals, regardless of what some Christians think or do.
There is a difference, though, between orientation and behaviour. A person
cannot control his orientation (and resultant desires), since he did not
choose to have the orientation. But the man can choose whether or not he
will engage in homosexual activities, since that activity is under the
direct control of his will.
God Knows What He's Doing.
God loves us. Most people won't argue with that. But when people hear how
God has commanded us to live, some people have their doubts about God's
goodness. Why has God forbidden us to engage in certain activities? Does
He arbitrarily declare some actions good and others evil? Why has God
forbidden participation in homosexual behaviour?
If you ask a psychologist or psychiatrist if stealing, lying, murder, and
adultery are beneficial activities for a human being, almost every one will
tell you that a person harms himself when he does these things. It is
simply not healthful for a person to do whatever he pleases.
Because God loves us, He has told us which behaviour will benefit us and
which will hurt us. God is not arbitrary in His commands. He only forbids
our doing what will damage us. If you look closely at the commandments of
God, you will see that God has only instructed us to do those things that
are for our well-being, and forbidden those activities that will destroy
So, if God has forbidden any kind of sexual activity, it is because He
loves us and knows that that behaviour will harm us. We may not understand
why it is harmful to us, but the infinite, personal, loving Governor of the
universe knows what He is doing, and if He says an activity is harmful, we
had best accept His assessment of the situation. God is not being a
killjoy. He has only commanded us not to do what will destroy us.
This is why God says "No".
Is God Playing Favourites.
Some gay men think that God is picking on them and being unfair when He
forbids homosexual activity. But God is not being partial in His treatment
of gays. What God has forbidden in the areas of fantasy, lust, or
fornication, He forbids for all people, heterosexually or homosexually
If a heterosexually-oriented man commits fornication with a woman, he
cannot use his orientation or desires as an excuse for his behaviour. He
cannot say, "Well, you see, I just had to jump into bed with her, because
I'm heterosexual." The same would apply to the homosexually-oriented man.
So, what God has forbidden for one, He has forbidden for all. He is not
playing favourites. He is not just picking on gays.
What About My Needs?
"If God loves me, but has forbidden involvement in homosexual activity,
just how am I supposed to get my needs met? Am I supposed to go without my
need for love met for the rest of my life just so I can know and obey God?
That doesn't sound like a very good trade off."
The answer to this question has two major parts:
1. The needs for love, identify, self-worth, security, etc. are basic
human needs, not just homosexual needs. All people have these needs, and
since God created us with these needs, He also provided a way to meet these
needs -- in a relationship with Him. We were never intended to get our
basic needs met in a relationship with a human being, whether man or woman.
God wants to meet these needs, and He is well able to do so. The reason
most people live with unmet needs is because they do not know God, and they
are not allowing Him to meet their needs. God is able to meet our needs,
but He will not force Himself on anyone.
2. Many gay men assume that they could never be happy in a heterosexual
relationship. This assumption presupposes either that there is no God, or
that God is not able to fulfil the needs of His creatures. Many
homosexually-oriented Christian men testify that it is possible to have a
fulfilling heterosexual marriage with God's help. This certainly does not
mean that their lives are problem free, but they are at least having their
basic needs met within the scope of God's commandments.
Some homosexually-oriented Christian men opt to remain single, but that is
a matter of individual choice. Either way, the point is that God can meet
a person's needs, and it is not necessary to engage in activity that God
has forbidden to try to get our needs met.
The first step in getting your basic needs met is to establish a
relationship with God.
We have all rebelled against God and deserve to be separated from Him. But
God, in His great love for us, became a man in Jesus Christ, died for us as
a sacrifice for our sins, rose from the dead, and provided a way to restore
the relationship with God we were originally intended to have. You can
have this gift of relationship with God (what the Bible calls "eternal
life"), if you meet these conditions:
1. Acknowledge that you have rebelled against God. ("All have sinned and
fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23).
2. Turn away from your lifestyle of selfishness. ("Repent for the
forgiveness of your sins." Acts 2:38).
3. Commit yourself to living the way God commands you to live -- loving
God, and loving others as yourself. ("Love the Lord your God, and love
your neighbour as yourself." Mark 12:30,31).
4. Ask God's forgiveness for your sins. ("If we confess our sins, He is
faithful and just to forgive us our sins." 1 John 1:9).
5. Take your hands off your own life and allow Jesus to be your master.
("If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your
heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans
What You've Been Looking For
After you've given your life to God, and become His child, He can meet your
basic needs for:
% Strength -- He will be your Rock and Strength in time of trouble (Psalm
% Security -- He loves you unconditionally, will never forsake you, and
will provide for you (John 3:16; Hebrews 13:5; Matthew 6:25-34).
% Acceptance -- You will be completely accepted by God (Romans 15:7).
% Comfort -- God is the "God of all comfort" to His children (II
% Companionship -- Jesus calls His children His friends (John 15:13-15).
% Completeness -- You will be complete in Him (Colossians 2:10).
Jesus is your "Mr Right" and through Him you can find what you've been
looking for in life.
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual
brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371-0446
This article is reprinted by permission from:
Michael R. Saia
P. O. Box 296
Sunland, California, 91040
MINISTRY TO HOMOSEXUALS
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