Struggling With Homosexuality?
Counsel For The Married Man
The Christian married man bound by homosexuality bears a double burden. He
lives under the power of a sin which brings self-condemnation and a feeling
of alienation from God, and he lives with the knowledge that he is bringing
a terrible hurt to another human being -- his wife. But for this man,
victory over homosexuality can bring a double blessing. He can be restored
to full fellowship with God, and he can experience the joy of
reconciliation with his wife. The advice given here is offered by a man
who has experienced victory over homosexuality, and with it has known the
joy of reconciliation with God and with a wife whom he loves deeply. May
God so bless each man who reads these words and needs to experience such a
1. Recognise that which you can control and that which you cannot.
You may know by now that you cannot control your sexual inclinations, or
even your sexual actions once you have given in the least bit to
temptation. Often you cannot even control the thoughts that come into your
mind. Accept this as a fact of your life today. But then turn to the
things you can control. You can control your spiritual life (how and when
you pray and read the Word of God). You can control how you behave with
your wife in many areas not related to your sexual relationship. Start by
concentrating on these parts of your life and you will begin to see your
sense of helplessness start to fade.
2. Realise that love is a decision and a commitment; not a feeling.
Feelings come and go for all of us. A love based purely on feelings is a
terribly unstable and unsatisfying thing. There will be little peace or
joy in a relationship where love is given and received only when both
partners feel loving. But there is peace and joy in a relationship where
each partner has made the decision to always (unconditionally) put the
other first. This is Christian love. Through its expression, over time,
will grow a joy deep in the heart, far deeper than the emotional happiness
that we have been seeking in our relationships. The commitment to put the
other first (to truly love) applies first to your relationship with God and
secondly to your relationship with your wife.
3. Pray that God will enable you to make this decision to love.
Jesus is the source of love. Jesus is the example of perfect love -- when
he went to the cross for you and me. Jesus is love. Many of us who have
struggled with homosexuality have come to see that there have been hurts or
rejections in our lives which have almost destroyed our ability to love
others (and ourselves). Jesus is the great healer of those who have been
so damaged. The one prayer that He always seems to answer now is the
prayer that we be given the ability to love another person.
4. Turn your heart and mind to the hurts and needs of your wife.
This will come out of your decision to love. She may need your help in a
couple of areas. First, she has been terribly hurt by the rejection
brought by your homosexuality. She lives in constant fear of losing her
home (her husband, her support, her place in the world as a married woman)
or, if you have already separated, she has endured the constant
discouragement of hoping you will return and finding that you won't. She
is incomplete because, regardless of her feelings now, she has been made
one with a man, but now that oneness is being torn apart.
There may be a second but related area where she needs your help. Not
always, but often, women who marry homosexuals do so because of a lack in
themselves. The fact that a man was not sexually aggressive or perhaps the
man's having a generally passive nature, may have given her a feeling of
safety and comfort with him -- a feeling she lacked with other men because
of her own shortcomings and fears. Ask God to reveal your wife's need to
you. It may be that your both recogising these shortcomings will enable
you to break away from a mutually destructive pattern that has come about -
- perhaps one in which she is the mother and you are always the bad child.
As you recognise that you are both hurt, sinful people needing the Lord's
mercy, forgiveness and healing, you may experience a blessing and growth
together that neither of you thought possible.
5. Your prayers and your entire focus should be on changing you -- not your
"Lord, if only she would <something> then I would <something> ." Prayer
doesn't work that way. God knows what the desires of your heart are before
you ask him. He could grant your wishes before they are ever expressed,
but He wants to do more. He wants a relationship with you, and He knows
that because of your fallen state (yours and everyone else's), that
relationship is most apt to come about as you recognise your need for Him.
The recognition of this need will be the opening for Him to come into our
lives in a deeper way. If He did our bidding and changed someone else when
we asked Him to, that would be the end of it. No, that is why His answer
to these prayers is often, "No, you must change" (or repent or surrender
or whatever). If our need is great enough, the door may have been opened
for us to accept His direction. A great step will have to be taken. He
wants to work out our problems with us and see us grow in obedience in the
process. Also, He wants the same growth for your wife and the same
fellowship with her. Changing her at your request would deny her that.
Remember, our relationship with God comes first. That must be worked out
to His satisfaction before our relationships with each other can be put
6. Acknowledge that your marriage is a sacred and permanent commitment.
When you married you took a solemn vow before God that this was to be a
permanent commitment -- for better or for worse. There were no escape
clauses or conditions of release in that vow. For you to be unfaithful to
that vow through homosexual weakness is serious and calls for repentance.
For you to break off the relationship completely through separation and
divorce is far more serious. It is a willful breaking of that vow -- a
defiance of God. Admittedly, this is a difficult area for Christians to
come to terms with, but it may help to put it on a personal level. For
you, wouldn't separation be a continued, unrepentant defiance of God? What
can come of your life from this?
7. Recognise that God created marriage and God redeems His creation.
When you were married, you and your wife were made one in the eyes of God.
A mystical union was created by Him. He can no longer see you and your
wife as two completely separate individuals. Apart, physically or
spiritually, you are a broken part of his creation. But, He is the
redeemer of His creation. Your marriage is a part of his creation and it
is in need of redemption. He will redeem it. The only condition being
that you allow Him to do so. You, not your wife. He has placed you in a
position of spiritual leadership over your wife and family. As the priest
of your family, it is only you, who can approach His throne of grace on
this matter, and if you do, He is faithful and will restore your marriage.
He loves that which He has created.
8. Thank God that you are married.
Your homosexual orientation pre-dates your marriage. Even though you have
had this problem, you have experienced many of the joys and blessing of
married life; establishing a home together, heterosexual sex, perhaps
children. Ask God to bring back to your mind and heart the joys, the good
experiences from earlier in your marriage. You have the knowledge and
experience that many homosexuals don't have, that much in marriage can be
happy and rewarding.
9. Honestly examine the alternatives that are open to you.
The first alternative is one that all married homosexuals have experienced
-- walking the fence. Continue in the comforts and acceptance of family
life and seek sexual gratification outside. The best of both worlds? You
know it is not. It's a life of desperation, unfulfilled relationships at
home and futile ones outside. The feeling is one of being torn apart, and
it cannot, and does not, last indefinitely.
The second alternate is to come down off the fence on the side of
homosexuality. Find Mr Perfect and settle down to an idyllic existence.
Only first, look around at those who have chosen this life. How many have
found the relationship that you dream about, and how many are out in the
bars and parks, the bath houses and toilets night after night. If you are
in a relationship with another man right now, ask God to give you a view of
that relationship in the future, and ask Him to give you a view of your
relationship with Him so long as your relationship with your lover lasts.
Finally, there is the third alternative of giving yourself to your
marriage, to your wife, to God. This will involve giving up your
homosexual activities if you have been active, giving up your fantasies and
dreams, giving up your refuge in pornography if that was your thing, giving
up yourself, dying, being crucified. And all you will get in return is a
new life. You will become a new creature, able to enjoy the fruits of the
Spirit -- love, joy, peace, and all of the others. You will gain a wife
whom you will truly love in every way -- perhaps for the first time. This
choice may seen horrendous, terrifying, but go back and consider the other
two alternatives, and ask yourself which you really prefer. There are no
10. Recognise that Jesus can change you.
Perhaps you have struggled with the problem long enough to acknowledge that
you are helpless in dealing with it. Good! That is where you should be,
because usually it is only when we recognise the hopelessness of our
situation that we are ready to turn over the burdens of our homosexuality
and of our marriage to the Lord, and to let His way work in our lives. You
do have a role to play though -- a vital role. You must make the decision
to love -- to love your wife. Come to Jesus with this decision as your
offering to Him. He will accept it and the process will start, the truly
miraculous process of change that will bring you a new heart and a new
mind, a miraculous process that will make you a new creature.
-- Alan Medinger
Glory be to Him whose power, working in us, can do infinitely more than we
can ask or imagine: glory be to Him from generation to generation in the
Church and in Christ Jesus for ever and ever.
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual
brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371-0446
This article is reprinted by permission from:
P. O. Box 10574
Baltimore, Maryland, 21204