Breaking The Cycle
An Active Homosexual Experiences Healing
At 38, I was leading a classic double life. To our friends, my wife and I
seemed an ideal couple. But I was an active homosexual.
As far back as I can remember, I knew that men attracted me more than
women, but I was naive about homosexuality. That was in a time when a
homosexual lifestyle was so unacceptable that we didn't even talk about
such things. The standard thing to do was to grow up, get a job and get
married. And I did.
I did the best I could to meet my wife's expectations, and for the first
few years our marriage was fairly happy. We had two daughters and by the
time they entered their teenage years we had a lovely big house in the
suburbs, a lot of friends, and we were both active in church.
It never occurred to me, when we married, to think of what I might do to
the woman who joined me. But pretty soon my homosexual desires began to
grow to the point that they totally dominated me. I was cautious at first
about how I acted them out. I sneaked down to Washington after meetings to
visit gay bars and movie theatres, or I planned business trips out of town.
But pretty soon the desires so dominated me that I started hitting the gay
bars in my home town. I started going to the parks looking for other gay
I knew what I was risking. I loved my wife and children and I knew I might
lose them along with my job and my reputation, but it didn't matter.
Fortifying myself with a drink, I could go out and do the things I knew I
had no business doing.
All this time I was active in the church. I taught Sunday school, and even
though I might come in Sunday morning with a hangover, I fulfilled my
responsibility. The God I believed in had created the world, had set up
the physical and moral rules by which we were to live, and was sitting back
watching us to see whether we made the grade or not.
I believed that everyone had his advantages and shortcoming through no
fault of his own. Some people were born too poor, some were physically
handicapped, some were alcoholic, some homosexual. I happened to be
homosexual and felt no responsibility for it. The causes went too far back
in my life, I was either born that way or something had happened early in
my childhood to make me this way. I believed God was just and that in the
end all these factors would balance out. I certainly didn't believe in a
God who could come into my life and change me.
That was the way I thought part of the time. At other times, I was deeply
remorseful about what I was doing. I never kidded myself into thinking
homosexual activity was all right. I believed it to be a sin. And in my
case, it was also adultery, so there was no way to excuse myself. I
confessed it to God periodically, and I determined not to do it again. I
asked God for strength and at communion I claimed power to overcome, but it
Fifteen minutes after I had renounced my homosexuality, I could be right
back into it. After a while, I couldn't even confess any more because I
knew I would go back to it. I had no power to control my desires. I was
miserable. My wife had discovered what I was and went through a terrible
struggle. We fought a lot and I took to drinking heavily. I came to
dislike my job and more and more gave myself to degrading kinds of things.
Then two things happened. First, my wife joined a prayer group. Life had
gotten so difficult for her that she knew she needed some kind of support
and when a woman in our church talked about forming a group she jumped at
the idea. Well, those women really had the gift of prayer. They prayed
for me and for our family. My wife never told them the nature of our
problem, but they prayed for us faithfully.
The second thing that happened was that a friend of mine, who did not know
I was homosexual, got converted. He and I met for lunch once a week and
began talking about religious matters. I began reading C. S. Lewis' books
and got him to. He was reading Thomas Merton and got me going on that.
Together, we began a search to understand God and life.
Then something happened to him. He heard of a large charismatic prayer
meeting and started going to it. There he found people with joy and a love
for God most people don't have.
My friend was quiet by nature, but he was suddenly transformed. He just
"lit up"; he didn't know how to express what had happened to him but I
could see the change written all over him. I remember him saying things
like, "The flowers are brighter" and "The food tastes better." He was a
new person, and because we were close friends, I came to believe that what
had happened to him could happen to me.
There began for me the worst struggle of my life. I hated the life I was
living and wanted to change. I hated the deceit and guilt. I hated what I
was doing to my family, but I was obsessed with my homosexual desires.
They were the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing at
night. I never chose a route to where I was driving without arranging it
in a way that would stimulate my sexual fantasies. The thought of giving
up all that was terrifying.
On the other hand, the thought of confronting God personally and asking Him
to heal me and having nothing happen was almost worse. And mixed with it
was the fear that I would have to confess what I was to everybody I knew
before God would hear me.
But I decided, at last, to go with my friend to his prayer meeting. It was
on a Tuesday night. The attendance was large and the praying was noisy.
But in the midst of it all, I just quietly said to the Lord, "I'm fed up.
I have tried for 30 years to make it my way -- now I'm ready to ask for
help. I've tried to become stronger and it hasn't worked. Now I just put
myself in your hands, Lord, and ask you to do whatever you want with me,
with no restrictions, no limitations."
I left the meeting with a good feeling. The roof hadn't come off the
building, no heavenly choir had sung. But in two or three days I knew I
had been healed. I was no longer a homosexual and I could hardly believe
it. My friend had said to me, "The Lord is going to work in your life in a
way that is beyond anything you can expect," and I certainly hadn't
In five years since then I haven't had a homosexual desire. My wife and I
have a renewed and deepened relationship that is a wonderful gift I never
deserved. And all this came to me without a lot of faith on my part.
The one thing I had the night I gave myself to God was some hope. That
hope had come through my close friend who, as far as I know, had never
struggled with a "life dominating problem." But I watched him change and
just threw myself on the Lord's mercy. So I guess hope is a part of faith
and I would like my story, like the change that came to my friend and
inspired hope in me, to bring hope to others who are caught, as I was, in a
When we need the love of Jesus most, we are so caught in our inner turmoil
that we can't even think of anything else. Yet it is the love of Jesus
that can heal us. What can break the cycle but a friend coming close and
showing us the love of Jesus in action in his life.
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual
brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371 0446
This article is reprinted by permission from
P. O. Box 10574
Baltimore, Maryland, 21204
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