What shall you say then? Are you to continue in sin that grace might
increase? May it never be!
The roots of my struggle with homosexuality went deep. In fact, I
considered it to be my basic problem, a compulsion over which I had no
control. I simply could not stop my behaviour nor could I change what I
believed to be my innate desires; my thought life was corrupt and out of
control. I knew I was living with sin in my life, but I did not know there
was a way out.
My homosexuality, in part, was a reaction to years of bottled-up emotion
and a desire for physical affection. There was a "thrill" in trying to
meet my own needs in my own way. Rebellion which results in overt sin is
fun for a while but the result is devastating.
I was desperately lonely and isolated. I was living life as a tourist,
"sightseeing" in the Christian life and still savouring the gay life. I
realise now that I have spent my life as a tourist; looking at life through
a camera lens, fearful of involvement or commitment, always feeling alone
In 1984, I moved to Seattle and within two months was involved with a guy.
Although the relationship was stressful, due to the guilt and anxiety I
experienced, I felt that I was at least meeting my needs for affection.
However, introspection and lack of self-acceptance quickly turned into
depression and then bitter self-hatred.
Leviticus 18:22, "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, that is
detestable," pounded in my mind, reminding me that what I was doing, my
actions, were an abomination to God.
It was at this time that I was referred to Metanoia Ministries the Exodus
International affiliate located in Seattle, Washington, U.S.A.) for
counselling. I did not believe I would ever rid myself of homosexuality; I
did hope, however, that I could learn to live with my sin. I pursued
counselling sporadically but unhealthy relationships increased my feelings
of rejection and loneliness.
I had prayed many times about my problem, but years of unanswered prayers
had left me feeling rejected by God. Why would He allow me to suffer such
anguish and failure? I was angry at God and I had lost hope.
During a week-long conference in Vancouver, B.C. in 1987, I slowly began to
learn the power of praise and prayer. It was during that week that I began
to sing praises to God, to acknowledge the sovereignty of God, to worship
Him for being God. However, I could not yet pray for myself.
A friend I met at the conference took the initiative to pray for me. As he
prayed I slowly began to feel the love of Jesus. I was surprised. Could
He, indeed, would He, love and accept me?
Grabbing my friend to pray with me, I confessed my sins to God and repented
of my homosexual activity. Ignoring my fears of rejection and failure, I
eagerly decided to choose heaven and God. With enthusiasm and sincerity I
chose to abandon my secret life and my destructive thinking. I desperately
wanted Heaven and I wanted to be part of God's kingdom.
I discarded a part of my being - my identity as a homosexual. Although I
knew God's way would be better, I also knew I was choosing something I knew
little about. In it's place, God would supply His perfect love, peace,
contentment, and a real sense of being.
God has released me from homosexual compulsion and has given me a sense of
belonging. God has accepted me as a son and has granted me wholeness. I
am now free to be obedient, free to make the correct choices. When I
decided to change my actions, God changed my attitude.
I now stand upright before God and I am able to joyfully praise Him. I
could not decide to change myself - God had to change me. It was the power
of the Holy Spirit that brought me to repentance. I am no longer living
life as a tourist. I know who I am and to Whom I belong. I am a fellow
citizen with God's people and a member of God's household.
I am still tempted; everyone is tempted by something. I may always be
tempted in the area of homosexual sin, but I am no longer in bondage to
that sin. I can recognize temptation for what it is and I can now choose
to resist that temptation and live in God's victory. When I meet an
attractive guy, instead of looking at his body with envy or to plan
seduction, I am able to look him in the eye and see him as a complete
person, with an eternal soul.
During the next several months, I chose to believe what God has said,
instead of relying on how I might feel at a particular moment. My moods or
desires no longer dictate my identity. Instead, my identity is now based
on what God says: I am a new creation!
To be completely healed, I must participate in the healing process. This
is more than just wanting to be healed - I had wanted instant healing for
many years. My part in this process is to be obedient to the Word of God.
When I was willing to choose Heaven and turn to walk in a difference
direction, God changed my life. Along with David, as he expresses his
satisfaction for God's provision in his life (Psalm 40), I can truly say,
"I waited patiently for the Lord,
And He inclined to me and heard my cry,
He brought me out of the pit of destruction,
out of the miry clay.
And He set my feet upon a rock,
making my footsteps firm.
And He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of Praise to our God;
many will see and fear and trust in the Lord"
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual
brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371 0446
This article is reprinted by permission from
P O Box 33039
Seattle WA 98133-0039
MINISTRY TO HOMOSEXUALS
Database Listing - Ministry To
Christian Resources on Homosexuality on the web
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