After a full afternoon and evening of counseling and Homosexual Anonymous,
I headed east over the Cascade Mountains with two hours to reflect until
arriving home. It was a good evening; an evening of peace, joy, and hope -
- an evening anonymous to my past.
My childhood can be described as "mama's little girl." The major
undermining of my identity resulted from my mother's disappointment in my
gender and an emotionally distant father. As the youngest of three sons, I
distinctly remember Mum wishing that I was a girl. Hints of adopting a
girl continued into my high school years, though thwarted by Dad's lack of
interest. Consequently, I began fulfilling my mother's need for a girl.
The need for Father
During those years of conforming to Mum's wishes, my father stayed in the
background. Although a part of our household, he was usually preoccupied
with his own interests and never shared physical or verbal love. He became
a frustrating figure to me. My maleness was not affirmed by him, and a lot
of Mum's anxiety over his weak leadership transferred to me. I gradually
developed a strong dislike for my father. The detachment process that
Elizabeth Moberly explains came into play. As what should have been a
normal father-attachment became an abnormal mother-attachment.
In school, I developed feminine tendencies as playing with girls became my
social outlet. As I continued into high school, boys became sexual stimuli
in the shower room. These tendencies and reactions proved tragic as Satan
used them for his purpose. I became the brunt of cruel remarks and jokes.
I withdrew into myself, holding my body in contempt, wishing secretly that
it could be changed from male to female. All the while, my homosexual
desires remained in the closet. The deficit in my ability to relate to men
became the driving force behind my identity. I literally became consumed
with homosexuality and sought to fulfil it through pornography, voyeurism,
exhibitionism, fantasy, and masturbation.
Ironically, though consumed with these sins, I hid behind Christianity.
Because of my strong fundamental background, I believed homosexuality to be
sinful. So, I tried my best to control it and get rid of it.
Unfortunately my need for sexual and emotional closeness to other men
In church, I smiled a lot, projected a wholesome image, led youth
activities, and testified to being saved from sin. Ironically, my life was
the church, even though I felt threatened and condemned in corporate
worship. Although I knew God disapproved of homosexuality, I concluded
that He created me with homosexual desires, since there was no tracing back
to where I openly chose it. I felt totally powerless. It was at this
point that I finally faced up to the issue and acknowledged to myself and
to God that I had a problem. This left me with the options of giving up on
God or seeking counseling. Prior to giving up, I heard a sermon dealing
with Peter's guilt. During that message, I identified totally with Peter's
turning away. He (I) had denied Christ, and yet he was (and I could be)
restored to Christ. Consequently, I chose counseling and eventually ended
up at Metanoia.
I've shared the circumstances of my childhood, not to point a finger of
blame, but as a reference to Satan's power of distortion. I responded with
animosity toward hurtful behaviour, that was for the most part,
unintentional. Although my parents were far from perfect (whose parents
aren't), they still loved me. But, I was unwilling to receive their love
because of the hurt that Satan used against me. I can't blame my parents
or my peers for my reaction to those hurts.
As I alluded to in the beginning, counseling and Homosexual Anonymous have
provided new direction for my life. The peace, joy, and hope that I have,
come from a new understanding of God and my identity.
Prior to counseling, my whole being was in a state of sexual confusion.
Genital expression was a point of reference in an unreal world of mental
fantasy. Counseling has helped me refocus by drawing me into the reality
of God's purpose for sexual expression. My sexual drives and desires are
God-given and pure. What was created pure and lovely became distorted and
channeled wrongly. Accepting my sexuality as God-given has freed me to be
open and honest before Him. This has helped me affirm my whole being --
mind, body, and spirit, and given me new confidence in relationships with
both men and women.
...forgiving my father was a turning point in my healing
I've also had to deal with some of the roots behind homosexuality. Ed
Hurst's book, Laying the Axe to The Roots, forced me to face some tough
issues. In his list of "roots," the most bothersome to me was bitterness.
Hating my father was very difficult to relinquish. In retrospect,
forgiving my father was a turning point in my healing. In spite of the
pain involved in doing it, forgiving my father has changed my attitude from
contempt to love.
As I continue in growth and my relationship with the Lord, I'm gaining a
new sense of mission. What I've experienced has purpose, especially in the
area of helping others who struggle with homosexuality. I'm seeing more
clearly the need for healing in the lives of people who are silent about
their homosexual obsession. Silent obsession in contrast to open, overt
behaviour perpetuates the problem. It says, "If I don't openly live the
life-style, I don't have a problem." The risk of exposing is greater
because public expression has not substantiated the problem. I would
encourage those who are "in the closet" to admit to yourself, to God, and
to a professional Christian counsellor the nature of your sin, regardless
of degrees and standards. Change is possible only if you admit your need
and constructively work to resolve the conflict. Applying God's GRACE to
your situation can be exciting and life changing.
Believing in the source of my identity keeps me in line with true reality.
I am male. created in God's image. I am no longer the lie that Satan would
have me believe. I can proclaim with David:
"You, Lord, created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's
womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; my body is
wonderful, I know full well!"
-- Lewis Clark
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual
brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371 0446
This article is reprinted by permission from
P O Box 33039
Seattle WA 98133-0039