IS YOUR HUSBAND GAY?
One of the most devastating things that can happen to a woman is to
discover that her man is homosexual, whether he's actively so or not. A
grieving woman will tell you that if it was another woman at least she
could compete! But, how does one compete with another man? There is a
depth of despair here that needs to be reckoned with. Here are some
1. You are not going crazy.
You are not going to go crazy. Things may seem too unreal for words.
It's true that you are now sitting amidst shattered assumptions about your
communication-level with the man you married. Things will never be the
same. But you are still you. You are the same person you were before you
found out about your husband. The adversary would like nothing better than
to make you believe that you are losing your mind. Resist him. Remember
Philippians 4:7? It says that the peace of God will keep your heart and
your mind in Christ Jesus as you make supplication with thanksgiving.
2. It's not your fault.
Your husband's problem stems further back than your marriage. His
tendencies in this direction have been cultivated by him, nobody else.
It's true, that he was probably "set up" when he was younger to be
homosexual with things like broken family relationships, molestation or
incest, peer pressure, and labeling, and a myriad of other circumstances,
but he makes the decision about how to react and act. He chooses what he
thinks, who he sees, what he reads, where he goes. The quality of his
relationship with Christ is strictly between him and God. You didn't force
him to be or act homosexual.
3. Becoming the perfect wife, lover, or mother won't help.
Sure, there's room for improvement, You do have faults. You may have a
temper. You may be a nag. You may spend money foolishly. You may be
inhibited in the bedroom, if you consider that a fault. But whipping
yourself into shape isn't going to get your husband back. Looking at
everything that's wrong with yourself will only insure your sinking into
the quicksand of condemnation. Go back to #2: it's not your fault. If
it's not your fault; then any remedies you come up with aren't going to
That doesn't mean abdication of your own responsibilities, however. God
could very well be speaking to you about some quirk you have that has
needed taking care of for quite some time; possibly, your husband's problem
is what God is using to get your attention. Have you made your husband the
hub of your universe? Is he central in your affections instead of the
Lord? God's going to squash that dependency and help you transfer it to
the One who will never fail you. That dependency could extend beyond the
emotional/spiritual to the practical/physical. Maybe it's about time you
learned to drive a car, balance your cheque-book, pump your own petrol.
When you feel yourself welling up over all the things that are wrong with
you, and you are prompted to work on all of them at once, and you rush in a
frenzy to show your husband how good you're being, then you know it's not
the Lord prompting those changes. It's the devil. You are in Christ.
There is now no condemnation for him (or her) who is in Christ. The Spirit
will lead you to conclusions about things that need to change as you read
the Word, talk with other believers, talk to God. They will be deep
changes, not superficial ones. And the deep changes will affect the
behavioural problems like your weight, your temper, and your nagging.
4. You are beautiful.
Hurts from your past may have made you think otherwise. Your husband's
seeming rejection may make you feel otherwise. Your mirror may make you
grimace because you do not "measure up" to society's stands of beauty. But
the Lord God has a word for you: Behold, you are beautiful, my love;
behold, you are beautiful, your eyes are like a dove... You have ravished
my heart, my sister, my bride, you have ravished my heart with a glance of
Read the Song of Soloman, and hear the Lord whisper to you. He made you
lovely, and in Him you are becoming more lovely every day. You are not
rejected. You are His bride.
5. Find someone to talk to.
Choose someone neutral. In a moment of anger or vengeful feeling it could
be so easy to yield to the temptation to "tell on" your husband to someone
who could do him harm, like a family member, a co-worker, or his employer.
You need to talk and cry. You need feedback on dealing with your anger
over your husband's disclosure. Bottling up all the feelings will only
insure that they will pop up sideways somewhere else along the line, doing
more damage to your relationship. If you are the strong, silent type that
prides herself on being able to handle anything alone, repent. You have
nothing to gain by that behaviour except isolation and bitterness.
6. If he's unrepentant, let him go.
Not just physically letting him leave the house, but learn to let go in
your heart as well. Allow God to teach you to pray for the things He wants
in your husband's life. In the midst of sorrow, it's easy to pray prayers
with holy-sounding words but that are really requests to make things the
way they used to be. If your man comes back, he needs to know that it's
the Lord leading him back, not your wants and needs, not his needs for
security and propriety. Hope for his genuine repentance, not his return.
Your reconciliation will be a by-product of his decision to follow Jesus.
Meanwhile, face the fact that you're sleeping alone tonight. Ask God to
help you through the day with practical things. Don't daydream about
tomorrow or the past. Get on with your life.
7. If he's repentant, but stumbling, hang in there.
If he continues to stumble, ask yourself how repentant he is. Maybe it's
time to get out, at least temporarily. Separation does not mean that
divorce is around the corner. But you do need breathing room. You need to
see yourself in God's light, not in the light of your husband's problems.
Are your attitudes facilitating his sin? Are you shrugging off your
responsibility to confront him? Are you patting him on the back and saying
"poor baby?" That kind of love won't help him. If you're doing it because
you're afraid of changes in the status quo, repent. Fear shouldn't be
ruling your life, Jesus should be. An ultimatum may be just what he needs
to begin to look at the things that need changing in his life.
8. If he's long-since repentant and is only sharing "history" with you,
it's still okay to cry.
Ask God to help you see him as whole person, as a new creation, He isn't a
homosexual. God changed him and is still changing him. Be patient with
yourself. You may still go through the grief process even though he's not
leaving you and has no intention of leaving you. You may be tempted to get
suspicious of him when he's not with you. You may wonder about his
relationship with his men friends. Learn to take things at face value. If
he tells you he loves you. believe it. If he confesses to temptation,
accept it for what it is -- a trust in YOU, a belief that somehow God in
you will allow him to share faults and grow through them. If you find
yourself becoming obsessed with homosexuality, confess it aloud to someone,
then learn to resist it. It's one kind of sin, that's all. There's no
need for it to dominate your life, But Satan would like it very much if
9.There are other resources that might prove helpful in giving insight into
your situation. Check them out.
"Questions & Answers about Gay Husbands" is a handout available from Love
in Action, P.O. Box 2655, San Rafael, CA 94912. Ask them for their
teaching on relinquishment too. "Advice to the Married Man" from
Regeneration, P.O. Box 10574, Baltimore, MD 21204 is written by a husband
from a gay background, but will give insight to the wife as well. "My
Husband Used To Be Gay" is available from EXIT, P.O. Box 999, Anaheim, CA
92805. It is very good.
Where Does A Mother Go To Resign? by Barbara Johnson (Bethany Pub.) is the
story of a mom's discovery of her son's homosexuality, but has many
pertinent things to say to wives.
-- Robbi Kenney
For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual
brokenness, please contact:
LOVE IN ACTION
G.P.O. Box 1115
ADELAIDE SA 5001
Phone (08) 371 0446
This article is reprinted by permission from
1821 University Avenue South,
St. Paul, MN 55104,
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