SILENT OBSESSION

After a full afternoon and evening of counseling and Homosexual Anonymous,

I headed east over the Cascade Mountains with two hours to reflect until

arriving home. It was a good evening; an evening of peace, joy, and hope -

- an evening anonymous to my past.

My childhood can be described as "mama's little girl." The major

undermining of my identity resulted from my mother's disappointment in my

gender and an emotionally distant father. As the youngest of three sons, I

distinctly remember Mum wishing that I was a girl. Hints of adopting a

girl continued into my high school years, though thwarted by Dad's lack of

interest. Consequently, I began fulfilling my mother's need for a girl.

The need for Father

During those years of conforming to Mum's wishes, my father stayed in the

background. Although a part of our household, he was usually preoccupied

with his own interests and never shared physical or verbal love. He became

a frustrating figure to me. My maleness was not affirmed by him, and a lot

of Mum's anxiety over his weak leadership transferred to me. I gradually

developed a strong dislike for my father. The detachment process that

Elizabeth Moberly explains came into play. As what should have been a

normal father-attachment became an abnormal mother-attachment.

In school, I developed feminine tendencies as playing with girls became my

social outlet. As I continued into high school, boys became sexual stimuli

in the shower room. These tendencies and reactions proved tragic as Satan

used them for his purpose. I became the brunt of cruel remarks and jokes.

I withdrew into myself, holding my body in contempt, wishing secretly that

it could be changed from male to female. All the while, my homosexual

desires remained in the closet. The deficit in my ability to relate to men

became the driving force behind my identity. I literally became consumed

with homosexuality and sought to fulfil it through pornography, voyeurism,

exhibitionism, fantasy, and masturbation.

Ironically, though consumed with these sins, I hid behind Christianity.

Because of my strong fundamental background, I believed homosexuality to be

sinful. So, I tried my best to control it and get rid of it.

Unfortunately my need for sexual and emotional closeness to other men

persisted.

Admitting Powerlessness

In church, I smiled a lot, projected a wholesome image, led youth

activities, and testified to being saved from sin. Ironically, my life was

the church, even though I felt threatened and condemned in corporate

worship. Although I knew God disapproved of homosexuality, I concluded

that He created me with homosexual desires, since there was no tracing back

to where I openly chose it. I felt totally powerless. It was at this

point that I finally faced up to the issue and acknowledged to myself and

to God that I had a problem. This left me with the options of giving up on

God or seeking counseling. Prior to giving up, I heard a sermon dealing

with Peter's guilt. During that message, I identified totally with Peter's

turning away. He (I) had denied Christ, and yet he was (and I could be)

restored to Christ. Consequently, I chose counseling and eventually ended

up at Metanoia.

I've shared the circumstances of my childhood, not to point a finger of

blame, but as a reference to Satan's power of distortion. I responded with

animosity toward hurtful behaviour, that was for the most part,

unintentional. Although my parents were far from perfect (whose parents

aren't), they still loved me. But, I was unwilling to receive their love

because of the hurt that Satan used against me. I can't blame my parents

or my peers for my reaction to those hurts.

As I alluded to in the beginning, counseling and Homosexual Anonymous have

provided new direction for my life. The peace, joy, and hope that I have,

come from a new understanding of God and my identity.

Prior to counseling, my whole being was in a state of sexual confusion.

Genital expression was a point of reference in an unreal world of mental

fantasy. Counseling has helped me refocus by drawing me into the reality

of God's purpose for sexual expression. My sexual drives and desires are

God-given and pure. What was created pure and lovely became distorted and

channeled wrongly. Accepting my sexuality as God-given has freed me to be

open and honest before Him. This has helped me affirm my whole being --

mind, body, and spirit, and given me new confidence in relationships with

both men and women.

...forgiving my father was a turning point in my healing

I've also had to deal with some of the roots behind homosexuality. Ed

Hurst's book, Laying the Axe to The Roots, forced me to face some tough

issues. In his list of "roots," the most bothersome to me was bitterness.

Hating my father was very difficult to relinquish. In retrospect,

forgiving my father was a turning point in my healing. In spite of the

pain involved in doing it, forgiving my father has changed my attitude from

contempt to love.

As I continue in growth and my relationship with the Lord, I'm gaining a

new sense of mission. What I've experienced has purpose, especially in the

area of helping others who struggle with homosexuality. I'm seeing more

clearly the need for healing in the lives of people who are silent about

their homosexual obsession. Silent obsession in contrast to open, overt

behaviour perpetuates the problem. It says, "If I don't openly live the

life-style, I don't have a problem." The risk of exposing is greater

because public expression has not substantiated the problem. I would

encourage those who are "in the closet" to admit to yourself, to God, and

to a professional Christian counsellor the nature of your sin, regardless

of degrees and standards. Change is possible only if you admit your need

and constructively work to resolve the conflict. Applying God's GRACE to

your situation can be exciting and life changing.

Believing in the source of my identity keeps me in line with true reality.

I am male. created in God's image. I am no longer the lie that Satan would

have me believe. I can proclaim with David:

"You, Lord, created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's

womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; my body is

wonderful, I know full well!"

-- Lewis Clark

For further information about homosexuality or about other areas of sexual

brokenness, please contact:

LOVE IN ACTION

G.P.O. Box 1115

ADELAIDE SA 5001

Phone (08) 371 0446

This article is reprinted by permission from

Metanoia Ministries

P O Box 33039

Seattle WA 98133-0039

U.S.A.